The “D” Word

As I typed the title of this post, it occurred to me that “dating” also starts with a “d”. That’s not the “d” word I’m referring to right now, although I’m sure a dating post or two or three will surface eventually. The fact that you’re living with your ex, or considering it, doesn’t mean you’ve been married. People choose to live with ex-lovers, ex-partners, ex-spouses and ex-spouses-to-be (or whatever you call the person you’ve separated from and are planning to divorce) all the time and for a variety of reasons. Many also live separately under one roof, but remain married. Options are plentiful, and that is definitely one way to go. However, this post will speak mostly to those who have made a decision to divorce.

First things first…I am not a lawyer, so I’m not going to give legal advice. If legal advice is what you seek, you can stop reading now. Every situation is different, and legal advice should only be dispensed by those who know what they’re talking about. Admittedly, I do not know my way around the legal system. I’m simply relaying my experience in case it’s helpful to those who find themselves in a similar way. If you’re considering divorce, I encourage you to learn as much as you can…read about the issues, consult lawyers, talk to friends, think about the peculiarities of your own situation, etc.

My divorce was pretty straightforward. It was an amicable situation (mainly because it took a looong time to get this to place, after years of talking, therapy, etc.), and we planned to live under one roof from the start. We were able to talk through the issues when they came up, and because we remained in the family home, we chose not to deal with maintenance or child support (all expenses continue to be shared). Here’s how it went for me:

1. I borrowed a divorce book from a friend that was specific to my state and contained sample forms. The book helped me become educated on the issues, and also allowed me to think about the questions that I’d be expected to answer.
2. I thought through the big buckets (things like kid care, house, business, expenses, personal property, etc.), and discussed with then-husband.
3. With his feedback, I wrote everything up in English. I presented the documents to him and asked for comments. We went back and forth in this way until we were in agreement.
4. I located an attorney who would take my docs (a marital settlement and a joint parenting agreement), put them in legal language, file them, and go to court with us.

A couple of things about finding a lawyer…it wasn’t as easy as you may think.  Perhaps our case wasn’t lucrative or combative enough for their tastes :-), but it took some calling around.  I talk to lawyers that were recommended by others, as well as those straight out of the yellow pages.  Most didn’t like the idea of working with both spouses…they preferred to represent one or the other.  I had to explain that ALL of the terms were agreed upon…there would be no negotiation.  Most were very skeptical.  We found a few that were willing to do it for a flat $500.  With court fees, the entire divorce ran about $1000.  That said, as much as we wanted to show that it was a mutual thing (brought about by both of us), the resulting documents had to show a “petitioner” (me) and a “respondent” (him). The lawyer’s name also displayed as “my” attorney.  Before we went forward, he explained that this was the way it needed to appear on paper.  However, because we had already agreed on everything, it was simply a technicality.  It took some trust on my ex’s part to accept this knowing that I wasn’t going to turn around and “screw him” in some figurative way.

Some people in our situation choose to go completely solo in order to save on attorney fees.   Many others prefer to go into it in a more traditional way by having each party work with their own attorney.  Both are doable, of course…a lot depends on the relationship and the circumstances.  Some situations are so antagonistic, that going forth without each person having representation is simply unthinkable.  We found that having one person to put our wishes in legal language – and to be present in court to explain the process – was more our style.  It added peace of mind without breaking the bank.

Each state has their own rules.  For example, they may require couples to attend a short “Children First” class.  They may also require couples to live separately for a certain period of time before the divorce can be finalized.  In many cases, the separation can be accomplished under one roof, but the courts will want to make sure it’s an actual separation.  In court, they could ask if you have separate bedrooms (for example) to confirm.  Before progressing with a divorce that can get complicated fast (or drag on and on), it’s important to understand the issues/requirements for your region and to identify your needs.

The Neutral Zone

The idea of having a “neutral zone” is related to exit planning, or maybe it was set up as a result of it. Because we wanted to go forth deliberately in this arrangement, it was important to talk about potential dealbreakers. A situation that we identified as a likely dealbreaker was if one of the adults in the household started dating someone seriously. We ended up in a family home again because we felt that our family functioned better that way. So, while we had no romantic inclinations towards each other, living under one roof made sense. At the time, no one was dating, so that made things easy. However, part of planning for an alternative way is thinking through scenarios that might surface as a way to prepare. We thought that if one of us did start to date, it’d be nice to know what was acceptable and what wasn’t in advance. That is, as much as you can plan for the unknown :-)…there are ALWAYS surprises.

We decided that we didn’t want to confuse matters by having the kids meet every person we date, so we implemented the idea of a “neutral zone”. Simply put, the neutral zone is the family home. It is a safe space that is meant for our family. Friends and extended family members are welcome, dates are decidedly not. This works well for casual dating. The person you’re dating has to know the deal from the start, and probably has to be a fairly secure sort. A needy person with low self-esteem may not do well in this scenario. But if the dating partner trusts that everything’s on the up-and-up, and is willing to take things slowly (get to know the person, live in the present, appreciate/enjoy shared time, etc.), then it’s workable at least in the short-term.

Dating someone seriously implies that you’ve spent some time getting to know one another and that you’re ready to take it to the next level…meet friends, meet other family members, spend time in each person’s living space, etc. That is a perfectly natural progression and some people make it work. We decided early on that having serious partners in the home was not something we wanted to deal with…that it was a scenario that was likely to cause our arrangement to terminate. I use the work “likely” because in my experience, people tend to adapt and you never really know how you’ll react to a situation until it happens. That said, we both felt strongly enough about this point that we went forward with it as a way to maintain a peaceful living environment.

I have to say that dating is an emotional area that is likely to rock the foundation of what you’ve set up. That’s not a bad thing, but it does make you pay attention to what you’ve built and re-examine what’s important. The idea of the home as a “no dating” zone for adults is different and probably will not work for everyone. But it does work for us. Since we all make the rules for the way we living, within the confines of what’s acceptable (legal, safe, etc.), then it’s critical to identify what the high-priority items are.

Lastly, a caveat…if you’re dating someone who also has a “no fly zone” in their home for whatever reason, then good luck! Have you heard that old song that goes, “Nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide”? LOL. Circumstances are trying enough when the dating partner lives alone. This twist is a doozy, but again…not impossible. It’s all a matter of priorities and perspective. It could provide more travel opportunities :-)

The Exit Plan

When it comes to personal relationships, society doesn’t look kindly upon those who have an eye towards the end at the beginning. Celebrities are often criticized when they enter into contracts that dictate the division of property or “maintenance” dollars in the event of a divorce. I’ve heard it said that “prenups” bring the wrong energy to a union that is intended to last a lifetime. Playing the “what if” game when the going is still good is bad karma.

That said, it’s common practice to set up a business with the end in mind. Businesses are often set up as for profit entities. But even if profit is not a driver, it’s important to set up goals. What’s the purpose of the business? Who will it target and how will it sustain itself? How is “success” defined? How do you know when things aren’t working…when it’s time to call it quits? In business, visualizing success, establishing goals and thinking through an exit strategy is key.

Is your living arrangement more like a marriage or more like a business? It’s probably a little of both. Since you’re living with your ex, it’s likely missing some key elements of a traditional marriage :-). However, because there’s romantic history and maybe children involved, it’s probably not as detached or professional as a typical business partnership. Engaging both sides of the brain is critical when thinking about an exit strategy.

This takes us back to some initial questions…what is the purpose of living together? Is it solely a financial matter? If you won the lottery tomorrow, would you still live with your ex? Did the decision have to do with the kids…was the main factor the need to provide central childcare and stability for the children? Was it somehow work related? How long do you expect the situation to last? Is it a very short-term arrangement (until the house sells or until the divorce is finalized), do you expect it to last several years (until the kids graduate from school, for example) or is this a long-term arrangement (for medical reasons?). Also, what are the dealbreakers?

We entered into our arrangement after trying to live separately. For many families, having a house for mom and a house for dad is the best possible scenario. Our family didn’t function as well when we had two homes. So, we decided to live under one roof while divorced until the kids went off to college (approx 4.5 years). In addition, we thought the arrangement would be difficult to sustain if either party started to seriously date someone (more on that later). We agreed to reassess the situation once either of these triggers happened. I also think that re-evaluating things on a periodic basis is a good idea. We haven’t set regular meetings to re-visit the living situation, although discussions do happen as needed.

Common Ground

So, you’ve established a home that has enough space for everyone. All residents have their own spaces…shared or not…that they are responsible for. Perhaps even the bathrooms are divided in such a way that allow for easy care by one person or a small group of people. But what about the rest of the house? What’s an equitable, or at least reasonable, way to make sure the common areas…living room, dining room, kitchen, den, guest bathroom, etc…are attended to?

There are many ways to go about this. First and foremost, the rules need to be clear so that everyone knows what’s expected. In our home, the kids get an allowance and are expected to tend to minimum chores (cleaning their rooms, takiing out the garbage, putting away dishes, etc.). Also, the adults swap primary responsibility for the kids (meals, transportation, chores) on a weekly basis. On my week with the kids, it’s also my responsibility to keep the common areas of the home in order…that means making sure that the kids do their chores and also ensuring that the main areas of the house are in good order. It’s important to define terms. “Good order” can be interpreted broadly and everyone has a different tolerance for dirt and clutter. If “good order” means clearing the dining room after dinner, removing garbage and recycling items as needed, returning blankets to their spots, and making sure the kitchen sink is empty of dishes every night…then that needs to be said specifically in order to avoid misunderstandings.

If one person has historically done a chore that now seems above and beyond the call, it should be discussed so that the person doesn’t feel taken advantage of. One person might’ve always taken on the yard work…mowing lawn, shoveling snow, clearing gutters of leaves…but never really wanted to do it or felt like s/he didn’t have a choice (just felt obliged). Separation/divorce has a way of melting away that sense of obligation…even though the task still exists. Perhaps now is the time to address those items. Is it necessary for one person to take it all on, or can the job be split. If it can’t be split for whatever reason, can the work be farmed out to a service? Often neighborhood kids are willing to mow lawns or remove snow for a fee, and that fee can be easily split if no one in the family wants that job. The same goes for major indoor cleaning…floors, stove, fridge, bathrooms, etc. Services will take on that cleaning on if it’s easier to split that fee than it is to have it shared or have one person do it. Another way to go is to have one person do the big outdoor work and the other do the big indoor work.

Either way you go, the main thing is to identify the work that needs to be done, to agree on how it will be accomplished and to set realistic expectations given constraints (time and money availability) and priorities.

Shared Expenses

Money issues cause stress. People often do not like to talk about money, and when they do, it can become an emotional minefield. Communication and financial problems top the list of common causes for divorce. Money is a touchy subject. Living with an ex is a challenging enough situation without adding money problems to the mix. I’ve found that addressing the issues upfront is key.

This isn’t a comprehensive guide to personal finances…far from it! It’s a way to think about expenses while living with your ex. The goal being to remain sane, minimize fighting and get the bills paid. So, what is it that needs to be paid?

Personal Items
These are easy to identify…clothes, toiletries, art, car payments, entertainment, etc. Anything that an individual adult pays for and uses for his own benefit can be lumped into this category. Personal items are covered by the person who benefits from the purchase. Since they are not shared, the expense itself does not need to be discussed in advance…budgeting is left to the individual. A caveat here…if the item will live in a family common area (rather than the individual’s private space), or if having it in the house will have an affect on the rest of the inhabitants, then it’s best to have a conversation prior to purchase. This is especially true if the item is gigantic (think x-large TV), loud (drumset), ugly (life-sized metal sculpture of a favorite rockstar), alive (dog, etc.) or all of the above. Common courtesy is important in all living arrangements.

Fixed Expenses
Monthly mortgage or lease payments, utilities, insurance, etc. These are payments that occur on a regular basis. It should be determined in advance who is responsible for each fixed expense. Keep in mind that while the bills occur on a regular basis, the amounts due may vary (especially in the case of gas, electric, water, etc.). One way to go is to have one person pay all bills, and have the other person reimburse them with 50% of the total (or whatever percentage is agreed upon). I prefer, if possible, to have each individual charged with certain bills. Each bill should be in the responsible party’s name so as to avoid arguments (if payments are late, for example). It’s important to have as much separation as possible in this area so that the mistakes of one individual do not affect the other individual by way of late fees or negative credit marks.

Variable Expenses
This is a tricky one. Variable expenses become a much bigger issue when kids are involved because expenses come up that need to be shared (i.e. school supplies, clothes, doctor co-pays, sports fees, etc.), but reimbursing for each small expense as it occurs can be tedious. Enter the money sheet. Using a money sheet is a good practice that minimizes interaction and has spared us a lot of grief. The idea is simple and can be implemented in a very low-tech way (although if an iphone app is what you want, then have at it!). Just take an 8.5 X 11 sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle (vertically). Put one name on the left side, and the other name on the right side. The sheet should be dated at the top. When someone pays for an item that should be shared, they should list the item on the money sheet with a date, a brief description and the amount. Keep in mind that there should be some conversation in advance about what’s an allowable entry. Are medical co-pays and school fees always okay? Is there some type of limit on the kids’ clothes purchases? Do decorative household items need to be talked about? Does any amount over XYZ need to be approved? Mileage will vary here, so this should be discussed in advance. And any situations that are out of the ordinary should be discussed before purchases are made and entries posted on the money sheet. Here are some sample entries:

11/01/09 – $95 – microwave
11/05/09 – $21 – shorts and socks (danny)
11/10/09 – $56 – family birthday dinner (olivia)

It’s easy to let the tabulating go on and on, but it should be balanced out on a regular basis before it gets out of hand (before one person owes the other too much). Reconciling on a monthly basis is a good guide. So, let’s say that at the end of the month Bob has paid $350 and Mary has paid $250. The total paid for expenses that should be shared is $600. If the agreement was to split the expenses 50/50, then each should have paid $300…which means that Mary owes Bob $50.

The Path – Part 2

As much as we enjoyed living on our own, we missed the kids terribly when they were at the other parent’s house…missed the spontaneous moments. Although the kids had their own space in each home, they tended to carry many of their favorites from one house to the other.  It felt like they were going camping every week, and they disliked living out of their bags.  Everything from transportation to school/medical forms became more difficult.  In short, it was a workable arrangement, but not very convenient and it didn’t make anyone happy.  So, we adjusted.  We decided to move back into a family home…a different home that provided a more equitable division of space.  In the new home, everyone has their own good-sized bedroom (the original home had irregular sized rooms…either very big or tiny).  With 2.5 bathrooms, we chose to establish a “boys bathroom and girls bathroom” structure upstairs.  We can use each others’ bathrooms, but father/son mainly use their bathroom to shower, and mother/daughter do the same.  Also, each group is responsible for cleaning their own bathroom (another reason why the girls try to stay away from the boys’ bathroom…lol).

We’ve kept the “every other week” kid schedule.  Even though we live under one roof, it’s nice to not have to answer to the other person.  When one parent has meal and transportation duties, the other parent has the freedom to come/go as s/he pleases.  As a courtesy, we let each other know what’s going on.  If dinner will be missed or if an out-of-town trip is planned, we communicate that information in advance.  The interesting thing about this arrangement is that we tend to have dinner together almost every night…more so than many other more traditional families.  We lead active lives, so aside from the morning time when everyone’s trying to get to school/work, this is the best time to catch up on the day.  Even if it only lasts a short time, I cherish it!  We’ve also deemed the family home a “neutral zone”.  More on what that means later.

The Path – Part 1

My story is like many others.  After years of marriage, the relationship started to suffer.  There were good times (birth of children, time with family and friends, vacations, etc.), but the challenges were plentiful too.  We tried to make it through the rough times by talking through problems, focusing on each other, going to therapy, etc.  In the end, the differences were too great…we had grown too far apart.  In 2006, we decided to physically separate.  We had two children to care for, and the separation was amicable.  We both adore our children and couldn’t imagine life without them.  So, we devised a plan to care for them jointly.  I moved to a small home nearby.  I cared for the kids and dogs in my home one week, he cared for them the following week.  I took the kids to school every day (even when they were at their dad’s), he picked them up every day.  We communicated freely throughout the weeks and we both attended the kids events.  I loved living on my own.  I enjoyed the peace, and the freedom to maintain the home as I saw fit.  It was a nice set up.  Imagine my surprise when after one year we ALL decided that the arrangement wasn’t really working!

First Things First

When you deliberately enter into an alternative arrangement of any kind – an uncommon situation without established rules – it is important for all parties to be heard.  Everyone’s goals, needs and concerns need to be on the table so that they can be considered before decisions are put in place.   If buy-in/commitment is lacking, then it’ll be very difficult to keep the arrangement going in a positive way.  This is not to say that all needs will be known upfront; they most certainly will not.  But if the main priorities are addressed from the get-go, there’s a better chance that the resulting arrangement will satisfy the members of the family.  Questions to consider when starting to think about living with an ex:

• What’s the purpose of the arrangement?  Is it temporary?  Why do you want to live together and how long do you expect it to last?
• If married, is it necessary to get a divorce or is remaining married an option?
• If already living together, will the current residence suffice or is additional space required?
• Can you share a bathroom with your ex?
• If living separately, and thinking about moving into one family home, what are the “must haves”?  Is having your own bedroom enough, or do you require additional private space (office, hobby room, own bathroom, etc.)?
• How will domestic responsibilities be shared…meals, transportation, cleaning, kid duties, etc.?
• How will bills and expenses be divided?
• How will dating be handled?  Are there house rules related to dating partners?
• What’s the communication plan?  Can you sit with your ex and discuss difficult issues face-to-face from the start?  Should there be a cooling period for hard conversations, or perhaps an agreement to address difficult items in writing first?
• What are the dealbreakers?  Under what circumstances will you no longer be able to continue with the arrangement?
• Once you decide that you can no longer live with your ex, what’s the plan for exiting?  Are there financial responsibilities to consider? Is it necessary to sell a home first?  Are you tied to a lease?  Is it sufficient to simply give notice…as a courtesy and according to agreed upon terms?
• What if someone isn’t living up to their end of the deal?
• What if circumstances change (as they often do)?  What if new needs surface or the arrangement just isn’t working as planned?  Should the plan be re-visited on a regular basis or “as needed”?

These are just a few starter questions to consider.  Do you have more to add?

House Rules

Co-existing in one home requires communication and compromise no matter who is involved. It is challenging enough when partners are head over heels in love with one another. When the participants are no longer together in a romantic/intimate way, the thought of living together can seem impossible…the problems insurmountable. Living together under these circumstances may involve more communication than usual. Romantic love makes situations more tolerable. Couples often complete each others’ sentences, or capture meaning with a single glance. Roommates need to be deliberate in the way they interact. There are common spaces in a home that need to be maintained. There are bills to pay. Privacy needs to be respected. Make-up sex will not save the day.

When living with another, it is important to lay the rules down upfront. The house is an important piece of the equation. Exes who live together must recognize that, although they have a history together, they are stepping into a different type of arrangement. The roles are completely new. They no longer have to answer to one another as lovers or husband/wife, but they are still bound to each other in operational ways. They are making promises to keep to their financial and domestic responsibilities, and those duties need to be spelled out.